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when we as christians champion on the side of hope, what exactly are we hoping for? what exactly do we put so much faith in that we would alter our lives so drastically, so against everything our senses and logic dictate? do we hope in a better future? that somehow, the love of our god made manifest in his children will spill out enough that this world will become more than mere instances of joy, islanded amongst a sea of grief and apathy? do we hope that one day the beauty we see around us will become real and eternal rather than just a poor reflection of the truth we so longingly and vainly grasp for? what exactly are we expecting? do we even know? or are we just keeping step with a conviction that there must be more than what we see and experience around us?
i'm not trying to cause anyone to stumble... i think i might know the answer to those questions. but these days, i know the answers as i would remember some vague memory of the past, racking my mind to form the details and never fully sure if i got it right. i have seen brokenness and ugliness on a societal, familial, and personal level with seemingly no cure in sight, and the darkness i have seen can only really be some mild shade of gray. i cannot say that i've even come close to the pits of black that is so shamefully part of our history, part of our present, and inevitably part of our future. and yet already i find myself faltering; so unsure of whether i can really hope for something better.
perhaps my faith was never as grounded as i had so believed in the first place. perhaps my claim to christianity was merely nominal after all. but i don't actually believe that. i don't actually believe that could be anywhere near the truth. but still i struggle and wrestle with the idea of hope. everyone tells me that god is bigger than the problems around us. they say that he is greater, more powerful, than we can ever imagine and the sin we see - no matter how large - has all been paid for at the cross and can be redeemed. they say through prayer we will see nations moved and strongholds broken and freedom abundant. that is what the bible promises us anyway.
why then, is that not enough for me today? why is it that when i think about the overwhelming obstacles around me i can feel nothing but hopeless? why can't i believe in breakthrough for massive issues like poverty or abuse, in healing for the brokenness of my family, in the fact that at the end of the day, i'm actually okay? as much as i try and as much as i repeat truths in my head over and over, i still feel defeated. my brother says it's not about what i feel. it's about what god says. and he is probably right. i have to remember the voice of my god because it is impossible to hope without it. i have to remember all the times in the past that god has come through - the victories already won and the promises already made true. i have to remember all the things i've experienced that made me so sure about the answers to the questions i asked above. i must hope. in what exactly? in the goodness of god. i think, whatever clearer and more coherent answer i could come up with, it would just be an expansion of that fact. god is good. and even as i write this (with such marked languidness) i'm sure you can tell that i'm still having trouble believing it - or perhaps believing in the power of it. but whether i believe in it or not does not make it any less effective or true. slowly, i'm sure my head will come around.
... but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. and hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
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| i hate being such a cliche. missionary disappearing only to return home and find herself transitioning.... it irritates me to no end. why would it be difficult to be in a place you've grown accustomed to your whole life?! while in south africa i was so positive my life would not be like this. i, unlike everyone else, would fly home and land running. i would take off and resume life as if nothing had changed and i would revisit my old college days of meetings after meetings color coordinated in my google calendar and planned with streamlined efficiency. i would see everyone, do everything, and at the end of the day still have the time and energy to do whatever "processing" that was needed - whatever that meant anyway. and i was good at it! real good! ...except of course for the processing part. for about 2 weeks life was grand before it came to a screeching halt and god, weary of watching my unhealthy social marathon, bade me to stop. rest. breathe. that was nearly a month ago and i'm still struggling with rest. i freakin hate rest. but somewhere within the sine wave of respite and bustle i think i'm just now beginning to understand some of the drastic transformations that have occurred in my life. and sadly, i've become nearly everything i never wanted to be. today i find myself 10 pounds heavier, single without hope for a relationship in the near future, 23 years old and without a career (or any real vision in that area at all), and to top it all off - oh heaven help me! - i am poor. life seems to be calling me to a sort of seasonal vagabondage and at times, it can feel exactly like that: wandering bondage. everything inside of me wants to reject it all, wants to sweep away what 9 months away has taught me and go back to being my normal self. i honestly just want to grow up, get a job like a normal person, get married and begin the daily routine of life that so many dread. i don't need spontaneity or adventure. all i need is security. i don't fully understand what is going on with me. i don't understand how i can be completely healthy one week and break down and suffer from what seems like depression the next. i guess that probably means that i wasn't ever healthy to begin with. i'm going to try and unpack all of this little by little. i'm going to try and figure out exactly what it is i'm supposed to be doing with my life cause i honestly don't know. thank you for your prayers and your patience with me. it really is much appreciated.
please know that i am dreadfully in love with you all. you are what make home home, and there is a reason why i hope so fervently to never leave again. | | |
| hahah!
i'm such an idiot.
i think,
i'm okay :)
his grace doesn't need to make sense.
it's okay if its easy and breakthrough happens in 5 minutes even though you made a huge deal of it the past 3 weeks.
it's okay.
i'm okay.
haha wow. i must be growing.
i got that out of my system really quickly.
peace feels nice.
:D
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at what point is it "being honest" and "letting yourself feel" and "not rejecting your emotions"?
and at what point is it just entertaining and feeding the emo-ness?
i only wrote one really emo post and i'm already sick of myself.
i kind of fail at this.
or...
what the hell is processing supposed to look like anyways?!
i want to be honest. i want to be able to fully understand exactly what i'm feeling so that i can address the real problem. but, at the same time, i don't want to just be a walking pit of despair either.
i'm too much in the extremes.
it can never be middle ground with me.
i hate that.
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annnnnnd... i'm back to emo.
suky. i think i'll just do that journal thing on this cause i'm honestly never going to write emails and i can't seem to actually write in my journal these days.
so for those of you used to reading coherent arguments or thought processes eloquently written, this is not going to be that. it will probably be a lot of emo word vomit designed to help me finally process. i was talking to ping last night about the importance of processing during transitions, and i felt like a freakin hypocrite. so in an act of vulnerability and a cry for accountability, i'm going to post my crap on xanga. and trust me. i have a ton of crap. i don't even care anymore to be implicit or coy about it. here is all my ugly rawness.
i'm scared to go to japan.
like, nearly in tears at the thought of leaving tomorrow. and i'm pretty positive its not just cause i don't want to clean my room or pack. i might not have a ride which means i might be barting to millbrae at 6am in the rain carrying luggage. and i know all of it is petty, and i can't possibly be THAT ridiculous can i? and yeah, i don't even want to unpack all the daddy drama here... or anywhere.
i was so hopeful and eager before! why am i just so scared about everything now?
i feel powerless and lame.
lame, in every sense of the word.
i miss having something to look forward to.
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